The teams have been selected and seeded for our MASCOT LEAGUE BASEBALL tournament to determine which team has the MOST HONORABLE logo! Vote for the mascot you believe best exemplifies “hard work, integrity and a winning tradition!”
THE TEAM MASCOTS AND THEIR SEEDING
1. CLEVELAND AMERICAN INDIANS: The selection committee could not deny the #1 seed to the most storied franchise in the league. The American Indians have been around since before the League even existed. They have had their share of ups and downs, mostly down, with the League. Historically, the League and this team have had a rocky relationship. In the past, the League has breached nearly all of their contracts with them, confiscated valuable team real estate for new franchise teams, moved them to isolated markets, attempted to break up and assimilate them with other teams, terminate their team altogether, and the League has mismanage their team assets and has refused to reimburse them despite numerous court victories. They are making a come back, but have a tough road ahead. The League has never made it easy for this team to survive, but they have persisted and survived through hard work, integrity and a winning tradition! Check the nearest Tribal Casino for the latest line on this team, and don’t bet against them!
2. ATLANTA SLAVES: Their team motto is “We work hard for no money.” The controversy over their salaries and playing conditions nearly caused the league to divide into two separate divisions. A North and South division was proposed, but after a bitter dispute the league prevailed. Through their hard work and integrity, the Slaves have earned their freedom and they have developed an outstanding series of victories, earning them a grand winning tradition and the #2 seed in the tournament. We predict another tremendous battle with the American Indians in the finals!
3. ARIZONA WETBACKS: This expansion franchise has made quite a splash in the league! Although they technically call Arizona home, this team knows no borders. Opposing players do not like playing them on their home field, as their stadium has no fences. The current lame duck League President refuses to enforce a League mandate to build a fence. They also have a farm team system that is second to none. Yes, they have invaded the league and are doing the dirty jobs that no one else wants to do. It is looking like this team and their fan base, estimated upwards of 40 million, is in line for the ultimate victory in November, as neither of the candidates for the soon to be vacant League President is looking to halt their aggressive expansion into the other teams markets. Both candidates have expressed a desire to grant this team amnesty for their blatant disregard for league rules, and grant them full legal standing in the league. You cannot ignore this team, they are on the move!
4. BALTIMORE OREOS: Undoubtedly the hottest team entering the playoffs! This upstart team is coming off a huge upset of a powerful franchise that dominated most of the 90’s. This team has surprised many because prior to this year, they did not have a track record of any significance and they have shown virtually nothing in their brief 1 ½ years in the League. Critics of this team have said that they talk a good game and they look good on paper, but they have failed to produce in the clutch. They also won their only big series playing with an all left-handed hitting lineup. They have made some position changes for the playoffs, inserting newly acquired right-handed position players in hopes of shoring up the middle of their lineup. These position changes have upset their loyal young fan base because prior to the playoffs, they did not even have a right fielder on the roster. Despite their recent flip-flopping of position players, this team has excited a fan base hoping for change. Ultimately, they understand that after the victory is won, the righties will be put on waivers. They recognize you can’t win the big prize with an exclusive left-handed lineup! With all of the media hype surrounding this team, don’t be surprised to see them to pull off the stunning upset!
5. MILWAUKEE JEW CREW: The Jew Crew is, without a doubt, the most financially sound team in the League! Known for their ability to make shrewd deals, this team is well under the salary cap. Since the 1940’s, they have made a tremendous come back from the attempt to exterminate this team. However, of late, they have come under criticism, even hate and condemnation for the League’s financial support of their Middle East farm system. Critics have said that the League spends too much money in defense of this isolated team and it is time for them to quit relying on the might of the League to survive. In response, and they always respond, the team has made numerous attempts to settle disputes over territorial rights in the region. In any event, they have learned to be aggressive hitters and play tough defense. Definitely a sleeper in the tournament. Don’t count them out!
6. CLEVELAND INDIA INDIANS: Sheer numbers make this team a tough out in the tournament. Rumors persist that this team is ready to pack up their tents and drive their taxi’s back home. Since most of the League’s jobs are being outsourced there anyway, they may not need to keep their franchise operating here. Their players complain that wages are so low, they have to work the night shift at the local convenient store to make ends meet. They never have to worry about the opposing team stealing their signs as they are too difficult to understand. The selection committee probably reached a bit too far seeding them this high. Look for an upset special here!
7. TAMPA BAY GAYS: Since coming out of the closet, this team has been on a rampage! Probably the most versatile team in the League as all of their players can both pitch and catch. They are also great at playing the field too! They also have the best color coordinated set of uniforms in the League. Their stadium is the best decorated and they have the most manicured field in the League. This team is no longer the sissy of the League. This team could go deep into the playoffs. Another upset special!
8. EAST LOS ANGELES I.C.E. DODGERS: This gang owns East Los Angeles! Members of this team have frustrated League compliance officials for so long, there is a saying that the League has “LOST ANGELES!” A number 8 seed was vital to this team’s playoff chances as it guarantees at least one home game. This team is undefeated on their home turf. Opposing teams fear playing on their turf. Their home field advantage is so great that the League has refused to schedule any night games with this gang. Look for a first round win, or else, for this team!
9. NEW YORK JUNKEES: The League has tried for years to rehabilitate this franchise. This franchise was once proud and mighty, but now they are a lowly pathetic shell of its former self. Having said that, this team is single handedly winning the war on drugs. Unfortunately, they are on drug’s side. Opposing players also find it difficult to play them at home as they must take their valuable possessions with them on the field. Another difficulty about playing them at home is that the field has no white chalk lines for fear they may cause hallucinations, flashbacks and relapse. Once again, the selection committee may have reached at seeding them this high! Look for an easy out on this one.
10. SAN DIEGO MADRES: Definitely still reeling from the loss of their legendary leader from Calcutta. They are still trying to relive the Sally Fields glory days. A brief comeback during the Whoopi Goldberg days has long faded into history. However, they will always be loved and respected, or feel the wrath of a wooden ruler over the tops of your knuckles. A sentimental favorite, but on the decline none the less. Probably won’t make it out of the first round.
11. MINNESOTA SIAMESE TWINS: This two-headed monster is definitely the sleeper in the playoffs! This team had to play a grueling late season double-header schedule just to make into the playoffs. They are on a serious egg roll, actually leading the I.C.E. Dodgers, in LA, into the 9th inning before darkness set in, causing the game to be called by Immigration Customs and Enforcement officers. I am calling my shot now, the Siamese Twins will pull off the first round upset of the tournament!
12. ST. LOUIS CARDINALS: Like their counter parts, the Madres, this team is in free fall from the loss of their charismatic Pontiff. Couple that with some off the field legal troubles, and this team is headed for an early exist. Things are so bad for this franchise, the GAYS have a better public image than the Cardinals. Time to confess and come clean that you have no business in this tournament.
13. BOSTON DRED LOX: The League’s primary concern with this team is finding a hat that fits and will stay on their heads the entire game. The League has waived the requirement to wear a batting helmet because there is little chance a ball could penetrate through their hair. They also have a similar problem as the Junkees, in that their field is absent of green grass for fear that their players will lose focus and concentration. Heading into the heat of the summer, there is little chance that this team can survive without sheering off most, if not all, of their steel wool for hair heads.
14. CINCINNATI RED NECKS: This team is just happy to make the playoffs so they can leave the trailer park. Can’t help it but here goes: You know you are a Red Neck player when:
• A FEMA trailer serves as your clubhouse.
• You got traded for a case of Bud Light and a bottle of Jack Daniels to be named later.
• Your road jersey is a red flannel shirt.
• Your home jersey is your sort of white wife beater tank top tee-shirt underneath your red flannel shirt.
• You are the only team that does not need a dental plan
• Your game got cancelled because your utilities got shut off.
• You couldn’t get a shoe contract because Nike officials looked at your feet, said “DAMN” and turned and walked away.
• Your game program doubles as official team toilet paper.
• You don’t need a mitt because the beer bottle won’t fit through the finger holes.
I better stop, but I’m sure you can think of more!
15. CHICAGO WHITE JOX: This team is hungry and out to prove that they have not lost athletic supremacy in another sport! Sure, they may have given up on basketball, football (the skilled positions), track (even the distance running), and now thanks to Tiger, even golf! Unfortunately, it looks like the National Past Time will be lost too, this time to the Latino ball players. Not to worry, there is still hockey, swimming, hacky sack and all the X-games. We forgot to mention soccer, but then again, who in America really cares, and is soccer really a sport? Unless a mighty come back occurs, this team is destined for defeat.
16. TEXAS GINGERS: The last team to make into the playoffs is the often forgotten and under appreciated red-headed step-child, the Gingers. The League is still waiting for the real owner of the team to step forward and take responsibility. Someone please take this team home!
